Bollywood Mania!

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Posted on February 25th, 2008 in Features, Stars

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Bollywood Mania! This is a Bollywood spoof of the WWE’s (World Wrestling Entertainment™) premiere event, Wrestle Mania. Since there are so many feuds in the Hindi film industry, we thought it would be quite interesting to turn Bollywood into a wrestling company ala WWE and see what kind of matches would take place if that were the case. Remember this is all in good fun, and none of this is to be taken seriously. So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let the show begin!

Match #1- Comedian Battle Royale (Rajpal Yadav vs. Arshad Warsi vs. Ritesh Deshmukh vs. Paresh Rawal vs. Johnny Lever vs. Javed Jeffrey)

The rules of this match are simple- throw all the opponents out of the ring with both of their feet touching the floor, and you are the winner. This match is to decide who the best comedian in the industry is. The match starts with all six men going after each other like they got their lunch money stolen from them. The first man to be eliminated from the contest is Johnny Lever, which is apt as his prime days of being funny are long behind him. He is eliminated by the favorite of this contest, Paresh Rawal. The next to go is Ritesh Deshmukh (eliminated by fellow Dhamaal mate Javed Jeffrey) proving he still has a way to go before he can reach the throne of funny in Bollywood. The remaining four guys just keep beating the crap out of each other with little Rajpal getting the biggest beat down from the other three. But out of nowhere Rajpal pulls down the rope trying to pick himself up while Javed charges towards him, and he falls to the floor and gets eliminated! Rajpal spits in his face and says, “Egjactly,” acting like he actually knew what he was doing. Then all of a sudden Arshad gets a “short-circuit” in his head and Paresh takes quick advantage and throws him out of the ring like a sack of potatoes. The favorite and the underdog are left now and Paresh is beating the holy hell out of Rajpal. The little man looks like he’s out for the count. But wait! Rajpal’s Hungama fury takes over and he just starts decimating Paresh. In the miracle of all miracles, the little man picks Paresh up on his shoulders and throws him out of the ring, turning himself into the King of Comedy in Bollywood! Paresh is shocked, and frankly speaking, so are we as Rajpal celebrates with his Chota Don dance in the ring.

Winner: Rajpal Yadav

Match #2 — Rani Mukerji vs. Kajol Devgan (Blood is Thicker than Water Match- No DQ)

A video is played prior to the match showing us the history of the two cousins. The highlight of the video being the cold vibes they shared in their appearance in Koffee with Karan, which set up this match. Both the ladies make their way to the ring, and it’s immediately noticeable who has the size advantage in this one. As the bell rings, Kajol gets off to a quick start and puts an assortment of moves on Rani. Rani doesn’t know what hit her and takes the beating like only she can. As Kajol gets more aggressive, you can actually see tears come out of Rani’s eyes (a far too familiar sight). But then Rani realizes this is a no DQ match and decides to use it to her advantage. She starts using all types of weapons on Kajol, such as tables, ladders, and chairs. Oh my! The beautiful touch up Kajol had done on her face prior to the match is obviously ruined now. Rani keeps on laying down the smack on Kajol’s candy coated ass. This definitely means the world to Rani as she wants to prove she is not her cousin’s bitch. The vengeance in her eyes is a sight to behold. The whole crowd is frightened and you can even see some kids covering their eyes at the frightening display. As Rani keeps the aggression going, it seems as if we are headed for a second straight upset. But not so fast! Coming to ringside is… AJAY DEVGAN!!!! He is not alone as he brings a shotgun along with him! Now the crowd is really starting to get scared. Ajay Devgan, trying to protect his wife, shoots Rani in the leg Company ishtyle, which drops Rani to the ground! Kajol quickly gets on top of her for the cover. 1…2…3! Kajol wins the sister battle! Ajay and Kajol celebrate together on top of Rani’s beaten and shot up body.

Winner: Kajol

Match #3- Saif Ali Khan vs. Shahid Kapoor (Cage Match)

The rule of this match is the first person to leave the ring from the cage is the winner. This match needs no introduction as we all know Saif stole Shahid’s woman and now he wants Saif’s blood. That will be easier said than done as Saif was the ultimate badass, Langda Tyagi. Shahid is still waiting for that good badass role. Shahid makes his way to the ring like the lost puppy dog he has been since he got dumped. The crowd sympathizes with him and gives him a nice ovation. Saif makes his way to the ring, alongside Kareena Kapoor, who is looking ravishing this evening in a Manish Malhotra designed gown. The crowd is indifferent towards the twosome because they all are rooting for the brokenhearted Shahid. Before the two combatants are locked inside the cage, Saif and Kareena share a passionate kiss that makes Shahid look like he just wet his pants. Now time for the match to begin and both men look very determined for a victory as neither is letting up and is hanging tough. Shahid being the smaller of the two has a distinct speed advantage and uses it to run all over the ring and hang onto the cage like he is Spiderman. He performs various aerial moves from the cage that leaves Saif shell-shocked. Saif eventually starts using his size advantage and performs power moves on Shahid which leaves the little shrimp writhing in pain. Saif tries to make an early exit from the top of the cage, but Shahid meets him up there and throws him down 20 feet back to the ring! Then Shahid performs this sick frog splash type move from the top of the cage onto Saif. The crowd screams in unison, “HOLY SHIT!” Just when he is getting ready to open the cage door and leave the ring, Kareena bashes him with a chair to the face which busts him wide open. Saif gets up and easily walks out of the cage as Shahid is knocked out cold. Kareena is comforting Saif after the match and the two share another passionate kiss as Shahid looks on, adding insult to injury. Then Saif sticks the finger to Shahid and starts laughing at his face as he stole his woman and now the match from him. Saif- 2, Shahid- 0.

Winner: Saif Ali Khan

Match #4- Deepika Padukone vs. Sonam Kapoor (Mud Match for the rights to Ranbir Kapoor)

We all know both these lovely ladies have been linked to the Kapoor heartthrob. We also know that they both want him. Now the only way to settle this is to have a match with the winner getting the services of the “toweled one.” Both the ladies enter the pool of mud in their shortest and skimpiest of clothing because this one is going to get dirty. Not much actually happened in this match, other than two beautiful women parlaying in the mud making a mess of themselves. This match is dedicated to all the men out there and both these women delivered the goods. They got really dirty and muddy, and frankly speaking, they never looked sexier. But unfortunately, Ranbir Kapoor interrupts the proceedings and is greeted to a chorus of boos (get used to it kid). He goes on and says in a cocky demeanor, “Ladies, there’s enough of me to go around for the both of you,” followed by his goofy Saawariya laugh. The ladies are put off by this and push Ranbir to the mud. They leave him all alone as they leave arm in arm together with the crowd cheering them on.

Winner: No Contest

Match #5- Madhuri Dixit vs. Karisma Kapoor (Dance-off)

Now this one isn’t exactly a match. It’s a celebration of the 10th anniversary of the hit film, Dil To Pagal Hai, featuring the two queen bees. The match has been dubbed, “The DTPH 10th Anniversary Dance-Off.” The judge for this contest is none other than the director of the film, Yash Chopra. Both the women are looking incredibly fit and as beautiful as ever, even after popping out three kids between them. Up first is Madhuri who mesmerizes the audience with her amazing dance moves. She goes classical for us and leaves Yash Chopra impressed. Then it’s Karisma’s turn and she matches Madhuri at every step, only she goes a bit contemporary. The audience is amazed with both acts and cannot decide who deserves to win. Thankfully it’s not their decision, but that of Yash Chopra. He also looks like he is in a dilemma as to who to pick as the winner. When he finally speaks with his froggy toned voice, he states, “Madhuri deserves to win, but in her comeback film for my production house, she gave me a huge flop and I lost millions because of her. I can no longer count on you, and therefore, I declare Karisma the winner! Also, I would like to say here for the first time that I am signing Karisma for my next film because I know she is bankable,” as he gives Madhuri a stone faced glance. Karisma celebrates the victory, as well as, her new film, and this smells too much like the Russian judge from the Olympics a few years back. Madhuri is appalled and throws her prized dancing shoes at Yash Chopra’s face. The crowd follows suit as they throw tomatoes at his egg head because of the bogus judging. Yash Chopra leaves the vicinity running for dear life.

Winner: Karisma Kapoor

Match #6- Kareena Kapoor Gauntlet Match Invitational (participants include Amisha Patel, Priyanka Chopra, Bipasha Basu, Preity Zinta, Vidya Balan)

It is a well known fact that Kareena Kapoor has some sort of beef with almost all the leading ladies in Bollywood. That is why she is involved in this gauntlet match against some of her biggest foes. This match involves Kareena facing each of her opponents one by one. After she beats one, another one comes in and they fight and so on and so forth. A tough task indeed for Mrs. Ali Khan. Kareena enters the ring with her game face on as she is ready to go and keeps telling herself she is the best and nobody can touch her. First up is Amisha Patel, who comes into the ring with a burst of flurry like a caged animal who has just been let loose. She gets quite a few good moves on Kareena, but quickly runs out of gas and Kareena takes advantage and does away with her with a lethal combo of body shots. Up next is Priyanka Chopra- one of the newest additions to the Mrs. Ali Khan hate list. This match goes on for a bit longer as Priyanka shows off her Don skills and gives Kareena quite a fight. But in the end, she was no match for Kareena as she falls prey to Kareena’s thunder thigh lock of death and submits before any more pain can be dished out. The next combatant is Bipasha Basu, who has as much disdain for Kareena as she has for her. This one was a classic cat fight. With both women all over each other like it’s a schoolyard brawl. Although this one was not as titillating as the mud match, it still kept the attention of its viewers. Bipasha was getting the upper hand on Kareena and was on her way to victory, until Kareena got down to her cheating tactics and hit Bips in the face with brass knuckles behind the referee’s back. That eliminated Bipasha for good. Next up was Preity Zinta- the woman who stole her role in Kal Ho Naa Ho, which she will never forgive her for. Preity constantly used the mouth of death, where she does not stop talking and it literally makes your head want to explode. It almost worked on Kareena too until she gave her this lethal kick right inside her mouth breaking her larynx to stop her from talking for good and pinning her for elimination. Kareena was one opponent away from ultimate victory! Vidya Balan, rumored to be in an affair with Kareena’s ex-flame Shahid Kapoor, was the last combatant. This was an intense battle with neither woman giving way at all. Vidya’s downfall was when she transformed into the Bhool Bhulaiyaa ghost. You would think it would creep Kareena out and help Vidya to victory, but instead Vidya didn’t know who or where she was and that worked to Kareena’s favor as she broke her neck and then pinned her for the ultimate victory! Kareena starts celebrating in the ring, as future hubby, Saif comes and joins her for celebration. The two literally cannot take their hands off of each other as they walk backstage together and oh so in love.

Winner: Kareena Kapoor


Match #7- Abhishek Bachchan/Aishwarya Rai Bachchan vs. Akshay Kumar/Katrina Kaif (Mixed Doubles Match)

There is really no bad blood between the men in this match, but it’s the females that are the intriguing element in the contest. One is the former lover of Salman Khan, while the other is the current lover of Sallu Bhai. So why isn’t Sallu a part of this match? He is too busy preparing for the main event, so Akshay fills in his shoes as no one shares better on-screen chemistry with Katrina than him. ARAB comes to the ring together behind the tunes of Tera Bina. Katrina comes to the ring to the tune of Soni De Nakhre. Then the glitziest and coolest entrance ever- Akshay comes to the ring singing a variety of Bhangra tracks and dancing the night away kind of like Apollo Creed from Rocky IV. After all the hype and hoopla, we are ready for the match to begin. We start with the two men, who have great respect for each other, so they are not trying to do anything too crazy. Both get a couple of good moves in, but do not come close to victory. They both tag in their better halves and now the smack down begins! The two go all out trying to literally kill each other, at times having to be separated by their partners. They get so physical that they both take each other’s clothes off, as the fans respond with whistles and claps. The match starts getting out of hand as everyone enters the ring together and starts beating the crap out of each other. Abhishek and Akshay are tired of trying to stop their partners from beating the crap out of each other, so they start fighting each other just for the hell of it. Akshay has the upper hand with his black belt skills. But when it was all said and done, chemistry pays off and the real life couple had more of it than the reel life couple. Abhishek took Akshay out of the ring and let out the Yuva rage on him, while Ash brought out her Last Legion action skills on Katrina pulling off massive combos on her, which knocked her out and preserved a victory for ARAB. After the match was over, Abhishek and Aishwarya hug each other in celebration and go backstage. Akshay knowing he was just a throw in in this match, revives the scantily clad Katrina and starts dancing to Punjabi tracks with her once again much to the delight of the crowd.

Winners: Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan

Match #8- John Abraham vs. Hrithik Roshan (Street Fight for Dhoom Villain Supremacy)

This will be the battle for who was actually the better negative character in the Dhoom movies. Debates do not get tougher than this, so it had to be settled in the ring. Both men make their entrances to their respective Dhoom Machale songs with their Dhoom gear. The rules for this one are it starts in the ring, but it can end anywhere and anything goes. The match starts and both men provide Dhoom like action throughout the match. You see them jumping and kicking like they have suspender cables attached to them. It is really exhilarating stuff like watching a movie. But the fun begins when they take the match to the streets of Mumbai. The two starts beating the living daylights out of each other with anything they find in sight. But neither will give up and are relentless with their attacks. Both are too cool to even be injured as even when the match gets brutal, you do not see a single mark on either of their faces. Then they both get on their favorite motorcycles and try to collide on each other. They miss several times; until they finally both get off the motorcycles and meet in midair and bring each other down really hard. The fight ends up finding its way on a cliff. The two just keep beating down on each other providing us with more suspender cable action just like in the movies. Seriously, these guys are like superheroes. Hrithik’s hair starts flowing like he’s auditioning for a shampoo commercial and John tries to do the same, but no longer has the long hair to do so. That is when he realizes that he has the Sampson syndrome-his strength lies in his hair. Looking at a vulnerable John, Hrithik flashes a trillion dollar smile and dropkicks John off the cliff. But he hasn’t had enough as he flies like Krissh and delivers a severe elbow drop on John for the victory. As a result, Mr. A wins yet again. To celebrate, he rides his motorcycle to his secret hideout spot where he starts dancing to Dhoom Again with his background dancer friends.

Winner: Hrithik Roshan

Match #9 THE MAIN EVENT- Shah Rukh Khan vs. Aamir Khan vs. Salman Khan (Triple Khan Triple Threat Match with Karan Johar as special guest referee)

This one is for all the marbles. The question to who is the best Khan will finally be answered in the ring ladies and gentlemen. A video montage is shown of how we got to this point. The highlight being SRK showing off his six pack abs in Dard-E-Disco, which inspired Aamir to one up him by getting eight pack abs because he is such a perfectionist and claims to be the Ace Khan. We see Aamir go through rigorous training to achieve this. His trainer is none other than Darsheel Safary! After this highly emotional montage, we are ready for the match. Salman enters the ring first wearing his infamous booty shorts along with Shawn Michaels’ “I’m Just a Sexy Boy” theme song. Then SRK comes in to a compilation of some of his most chocolately hit songs. Aamir is last to enter into the ring with Darsheel accompanying him as the Taare Zameen Par title track plays in the background. Aamir shows off his abs and we see he has achieved the eight pack abs and it catches everyone, including his adversaries, by surprise. Karan Johar explains the rules to the match which is no holds barred and anything goes. He then winks at SRK showing where his allegiances lie. The match finally starts with all three men fighting one another in one hell of a slobber knocker of a match. There are numerous times where Karan tries to assist SRK to victory by accidentally hitting the other two Khans, handing him foreign objects to hit them with, and failing to count to three when the other Khans have the upper hand. All of these attempts fail. Finally, Salman and Aamir have enough of this and start ganging up on Karan. After forcing him to call a clean match, they start ganging up on SRK and beat him down good. After getting him out of the way, they start fighting each other using an array of moves knocking each other out. SRK tries to be a sneaky little fellow and takes advantage of his wounded opponents. SRK starts dominating the match and looks like he is ready for victory. He goes for the pin on Salman, but he kicks out just in the nick of time! Then Salman starts laying down the smack on SRK and is close to victory, but Aamir comes out of nowhere and breaks it up. Now all three men are once again beating the crap out of each other with none of them having the upper hand. This one is going down to the wire folks. SRK takes a chair and tries to knock Aamir out, but he ducks and hits Karan who was in the way! SRK turns around and meets a super kick courtesy of Salman. Darsheel notices Karan is down, so he makes himself useful and uses his buckteeth to bite SRK and Salman all over like a woodchuck. Aamir, with the strength of his eight packs, picks both the bitten up Khans up on top of his shoulders and slams them down, breaking the ring!! He covers both of them as Darsheel revives Karan who counts the 1…2…3! Aamir wins the grueling match! Aamir is now the greatest Khan in Bollywood! He achieved the title thanks to his little buddy Darsheel Safary. So he picks up little Darsheel on his shoulder and celebrates with him by going on each turnbuckle and raising his fist to the crowd. The crowd is going absolutely nuts as Aamir plays to them the whole time. Bollywood Mania ends with a lasting shot of a bloodied Aamir raising one hand in jubilation with the other hand holding on to the bucktoothed wonder!

Winner: Aamir Khan

THIS IS BOLLYWOOD MANIA!!!!!! *camera blacks out*

Kuch Toh Bolo!

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